Grief

Yesterday was a momentous day for me... I went to work, and for the first time since Mom died, I felt "normal"... meaning that I engaged with my students. I didn't just "go through the motions" like I had been doing. I didn't feel like it took all my energy to just make it thru the day.

Ever since I went back to work on September 13, I've had to force myself to get through each day. And I've made it, though just barely. I managed - I was able to function. Last weekend I was able to play viola with the quartet for a wedding ceremony, and it went quite well. Sunday I was EXHAUSTED and stayed home and did nothing all day but vegetate.

Wednesday night I stayed up way too late - didn't go to bed until 11:30. So I only got about 7 hours of sleep - and yet I had a good day on Thursday, and another good day at work today. I feel like myself again, and it's wonderful. I stopped at the library on Tuesday (the tiny little branch in Mosinee) and actually found two good books on tape (on CD, actually) and two books to read... and I've already read one and I'm well into the second one - and enjoying it! [It's been a very long time since I've been able to concentrate on a book.]

[...When I told Grant I'd gotten two books on tape, he said, "What I want to know it, was it scotch, masking or duct?"...!!]

One of the ways that my grief has been manifesting itself is that I have been finding all sorts of things to get angry with Ron about. Everything he does has been bothering me, with no rhyme or reason to it. I've had to avoid being around him in order to not pick at him. It's been a hard time for us both, but we knew that it would pass - and Ron has been, as he almost always is, extremely loving and patient with me.

But yesterday, not only did I have a good day at work, but I also found myself looking forward to getting home and spending time with Ron!!! We went out to a local clock shop that is going out of business and selected a new cuckoo clock for our home. When Mom came here, she brought the cuckoo clock that Grant gave her years ago, and we loved having it here. And so when we returned it to Grant, we really missed it - and now we have our own! It's so nice, and it's the first thing that we have purchased in "remembrance" so to speak of Mom. Then we also went grocery shopping and to find me a new calculator - and had supper at Wendy's. "Gee," I said while we were eating our hamburgers, "is this a date??" "Yeah, I think so! It's been so long I'm not sure, but I think this qualifies!"

Ron went down to see his Dad last week and again today, and so I'm home alone this evening.... I've been going through some of the boxes that contained items from Mom's desk. I have had the joy to find tons of family pictures, some of them very, very old. I've shed some tears, and I'm looking forward to scanning many of them and making some more CDs for people.

But now I suppose that I would be well advised to go to bed and get some rest.

Jane has surgery next Wednesday - please pray for her.

Good night....

“I Want to Be Like Mom”

These are the words that I shared last week, Thursday, September 8, 2005, at Mom's funeral (which was exactly 9½ years after Dad’s funeral)...

“If I had a nickel” for every time someone told me that I looked like my mother, I’d be rich! One of the first times that I went to the long-term care unit at Presbyterian Homes, an aide that I had never met saw me and smiled – “You must be Priscilla’s daughter!” And I certainly heard it several times this week. I used to hate it when people said that – but now I take it as a great compliment. I’ve come to appreciate the fact that I do resemble her physically – but I’ve also come to realize that I want to be like Mom, not to just look like Mom.

The past five months of Mom’s life were, to put it mildly, awful. She endured tremendous physical and emotional pain. She suffered a tidal wave of losses and she understandably staggered under their weight. She’s always been a very resilient person, and she has overcome major traumas before, but this time I think it was all just too much to bear.

In the book of James it says, “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”

Mom told me several times this summer, “I just hate it when people tell me – ‘Your patience is sure being tried.’” Finally I asked, “Why?” “Because I don’t WANT to have my patience tried!!!” Well, I can’t argue with her there! I know that she did not want to go thru any of this. But I have to say that she still trusted God in the midst of it all. And more than anything else, she wanted God to be honored and glorified through her life.

But it wasn’t easy for her. There were many, many times this summer when mom said to me, “Margaret, what am I going to do?? I just don’t know what I’m going to do!!” Early in August she got to the point where she told me, “I can’t even pray!!” “Well,” I said, “then we’ll just pray for you!” She was able after a while to join me in my prayers … first by just squeezing my hand as I prayed for her, then by sometimes saying “Amen” with me. Then later she could agree with me by saying, “Yes, Lord”. Together we were able to offer up a sacrifice of praise in the midst of the suffering. We prayed together and cried (well, at least I cried) and poured out our hearts to God about how hard it was, and we asked for strength and mercy and grace, and a quick release from pain. We told Him that we understood that life was a precious gift, but we also asked Him to release her from this life.

Many people were praying for her healing, but she was asking to go home.

I told her in June that I wanted her to know that she had given me a very rich spiritual heritage and had been a great example to me, especially of how to respond to suffering with grace, and how very much that meant to me. I know that she appreciated hearing that.

After she came to live with us just three weeks ago, she often wondered aloud what good her life was serving, as she was unable to do anything. I think that she measured her worth by what she was able to accomplish, and now that she could no longer do anything, she felt worthless, and that was extremely hard for her. In fact, I talked with her even before she came about how her loss of independence must have been just as hard to bear as the physical pain, and she said, “Of course it has been!”

Mom’s always been independent – and in control of things! And I truly believe that God had some lessons to teach her thru her loss of independence. For one thing, she had to trust her children to handle her affairs. And she had to be willing to become the one who was being served. Mom was a servant. She put her faith and her love into action. In fact, her “love language” was Acts of Service. That’s how she showed love – by doing something (usually something practical in nature) for the other person.

I think that it was also how she perceived that she was loved. After Dad died, Mom kept a list inside the kitchen cupboard of odd jobs she wanted done around the house. When one of her children came over and did a job for her, she felt loved!

I never really had the close “intimate” relationship that I would have wanted with mom. Maybe it was partly because we didn’t understand each other’s love languages. (Gary Chapman refers to five love languages – Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts, and Quality Time. My love languages are Words of Affirmation and Quality Time, and neither of those were especially strong suits of my mother, at least in her relationship with me.)

But this summer I had the unique opportunity to become my mother’s servant! It has been an honor, a joy and a blessing. I have felt privileged to be able to serve her and help meet her needs. I believe that God used this for several purposes. It allowed me to know that I was showing her love in a way that she could recognize, and I hope that He helped her to become able to receive our unconditional love. It also drew us together into a more intimate relationship.

She had a hard time believing that she was lovable.

That’s incredible to me, especially when I’ve seen how many, many dear friends she has, and I’ve seen the outpouring of love sent her way all summer in the form of cards and letters. She always has been a very social person, and able to rise above her suffering in the past, but just the fact that she stopped taking phone calls and did not want visitors this summer tells us how very much she was suffering. I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you on her behalf for the cards and visits that she was unable to receive.

She had a hard time believing that she was lovable, although I do know that she knew without a doubt that God loved her. And I am so thankful that God enabled me to welcome her into our home and our hearts and shower her with compassion and love during her last days on earth.

About a week or so before she died, she said yet again that she didn’t know what possible purpose her life could serve because all she could do was sleep, take pills, walk a little, and go to the bathroom. I reminded her of Psalm 138:8, which says, “The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me.” I told her that evidently God was not done with her yet, or He would have already called her home. “I believe, Mom, that God is using you in my life, and in Ron’s life and I know that it STINKS to have to be used in this way, but you DO still have a purpose and I know that because you are still here!”

Eleven days before Mom died, I think that she was ready to make the decision to stop the tube feeding. I asked her if she’d prayed about it, and she said, “Well, of course!!” I asked her if she had peace about it and she said she did. But she knew that I was not comfortable with it. She may have had peace, but I had no peace about it! I told her that I was having a very hard time “wrapping my mind around that decision.” She had said she was going to discuss it with the doctor the next day. But for whatever reason, she did not bring it up with the doctor.

I spent the next week praying about it and getting counsel about it – and a wise person told me, “You know, Margaret, it is not your decision to wrestle with! It is her decision, and it is between her and her God.”

Mom finally acted on that decision. The hospice nurse talked to her about it, and there was NO hesitation. Just three and a half days before she died, she chose to discontinue the tube feedings. By this time I was ready. I was able to accept her decision with peace in my own heart. I talked to most of the immediate family and was able to tell her that we were behind her, for what that was worth. She said that it meant everything to her to know that, and that it gave HER peace.

She didn’t live very long after that – not even four days. The tube feeding wasn’t really helping her – it was only prolonging her misery. She knew what she wanted to do, but she waited until I could accept it before acting on the decision. I feel as though she gave me a tremendous gift – an extra week with her, but, oh, what a tremendous cost she paid.

And now God’s called her home. She was able to die the way she had prayed for – over the last week especially she just slept more and more, we were able to relieve a good portion of the pain, and finally she just stopped breathing. She slept and didn’t wake up.

God’s purpose for her life has been fulfilled and we all have an example to follow and a godly character to emulate.

Mom and I were very similar physically. We shared the same facial structure, the same jaw and bite, a similar intellect and sense of humor – even the same way of gesturing when we talked. Our personalities were very similar as well.

But there was another similarity that uniquely prepared me to relate to her this summer – the shared experience of shoulder pain. I’m still recovering from my second shoulder surgery two months ago and it’s possible that I face yet another surgery in the future. I understand what it’s like to go thru the pain – shall I say torture? – of the physical therapy required in order to heal after shoulder surgery. Because of this, I was able to truly understand and empathize with her in that regard.

In addition, some of you may already have heard that we got word very early Tuesday morning that Ron’s mother passed away. We had spoken with her on Sunday when we called to give Ron’s family the news about Mom. They were hoping to be here today. I am in shock, let me tell you. I am reeling. I feel like Job. But that’s just a hint of what this summer must have been like for Mom. She staggered under the weight of unexpected losses – losses which left huge gaping wounds in her heart. I feel like I now have a better understanding of that kind of pain as well.

Yet she continued to trust God. She continued to entrust herself to Him. Even when she reached the point where she could not even pray, she still knew that He held her in His hands. And I know that He holds me in His hands, too.

Yes, I want to be like Mom.

Many people have praised and thanked me for being willing to have Mom come into our home. Over and over I heard things like, “You are a wonderful person for doing this!” And to be honest, I had a really hard time hearing those words because I am not the hero in all of this! Ron and I just heard and responded to God’s call. It was an easy decision! It has not been an easy thing to do, but it was an easy decision to make and we never doubted it or regretted it.

So when I found myself feeling angry when people praised me, I went to the Lord and asked Him to speak to my heart and I asked Him how He saw me in this situation.

His words to my heart were, “You are My Beloved Child! You are precious to Me, and so is your mother. I have chosen to bless her thru you, and thru it I will also bless you.

“This time is not easy, but I want you to trust Me. You have NO idea how I am going to work – so sit back and be amazed! I love your Mom – she is so precious to Me – and I will keep her alive until the time that is right.

“Do not stop asking for My help, and cling to Me.”

Mom’s final and most profound act of love may have been these past five months and her response to them. Thru it God allowed us to become closer; thru it He influenced relationships among her children, and she left a final legacy of grace – great grace under “various trials.”

She showed us how to live – yielded to God and open to His purpose for her life.

That’s how I want to be! Yes, I want to be JUST LIKE Mom!!

Words of Remembrance, Priscilla L. Jensen

The daughter of Gustav and Grace Lohman, Priscilla was born in south Minneapolis on November 27th, 1919. Priscilla was the second of three children. Her older sister Muriel and her younger brother Richard (Dick) were unconditionally loved, treasured, admired and often challenged by Priscilla.

In 1936 Priscilla and six other "girls" (Bernice, Dagny, Berdine, Arlene, Lorraine and Millie) began what was to become a 68 year relationship of support, laughter and friendship. They referred to one another as the "Club Girls" and their motto was "Gotta Koppa Ghi" [pronounced "Guy"]. Of the Club Girls, Priscilla was the first to get married, the first to have a baby and now the first to die.

Priscilla graduated from South High in 1937, and in 1941 she graduated with a BA degree in Bio-statistics from the University of Minnesota.

Priscilla and Ray met prior to WWII and were married on August 13th, 1942. Out of that bonding of heart, mind and spirit were born Barbara, Mark, Steven, Grant, Scott, Todd, Margaret and Jane.

Priscilla was a fully active and supportive member of Oliver Presbyterian Church since 1947. There she served as an elder, member of the Presbytery, deacon, vocalist, worship committee chair, director of VBS, and Sunday School teacher and superintendent. She was a supporter of the Mother's Club and a stalwart supporter of each and every pastor. In the community she served as a Bible Study Fellowship leader and a volunteer (with Ray) for Meals on Wheels.

Priscilla, along with her cherished cousin Helen and her treasured sister-in-law Char, taught us by example the joy of the Lord, as seen in the gift of laughter.

Priscilla was strong-willed, tenacious, stubborn, independent, a clear thinker, highly organized, adaptable and rigidly flexible. Above all else, she was a lover of God in Christ Jesus as revealed in the Bible.

Priscilla was a knitter of slippers and afghans, a darner of socks, a senior blood donor and a woman who was willing to do whatever it took to survive, thrive and be alive.

In 1992, at the celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary, Ray and Priscilla were surprised with the gift of a trip to Norway. She also enjoyed traveling to Israel, England, Ireland, Scotland, Alaska and took many trips in the USA including Diamond Lake, Minnesota.

Even though the last months of her life were marked by injury, surgery, pain and the death of her beloved friend Doug, she was always uncomplaining.

Priscilla was relieved of her pain and suffering in Ron and Margaret's Wisconsin home on September 3rd, 2005. Now she lives in her eternal home with God, where many believe she was met by Jesus with a hug (that she accepted!) and the words, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant; enter thou into the joy of thy Lord."

Ever Feel Like Job?

[This picture shows Brinne and Carl and their grandparents in Viroqua. I think it was taken about 11-12 years ago??]

Last night I could not sleep, despite being exhausted beyond belief. I finally got up and started getting my eulogy down on paper for Mom's funeral on Thursday. I think I finished up and went back to bed around 12:30am... but still had a hard time sleeping. I finally drifted off, only to be awakened by the telephone.

Ron's sister was calling to tell us that HIS mother was on her way to the hospital in an ambulance after having "coded." An update was to follow within the hour.

Well, the second call came, and I could tell from Ron's end of the conversation that his mother had also died. WOW. That's about all I can say. We both feel as though we've been hit by a truck. The reality is not yet setting in, mostly because we will not/cannot do so yet.

About the only small ray of goodness in the situation is that all four of our kids will be able to be here. First the Jensen side will grieve and bury Grandma, and then the Olson side will grieve and bury Grandma.

DEATH SUCKS!!!!!

Brian has written some excellent thoughts and reactions on his blog. (Look for his comments about his two families, as well.)

Carl is on his way from Fort Jackson, SC. Due to a mixup of some kind, he had not yet been informed of the second death when he called us about two hours ago from the airport in Charleston, and he had leave papers only until Friday. But we have now sorted that out and he can return on Monday - we just have to change his return ticket.

Brent and Brinne will arrive tomorrow and return Monday morning.

I keep telling myself that she cannot be gone! She simply cannot be! And I will continue to do so for the next two days, I think. I won't let my mind go there just yet. Not yet.

Ron's folks and mine really liked each other and they always enjoyed spending time together whenever they had the chance. In fact, we spoke with Ramon and Vangie on Sunday to inform them of Priscilla's death. I was honored beyond belief when Renee told me that she hoped to bring them to Mpls for mom's funeral. Two years ago Ramon and Vangie celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, and Mom and Doug showed up in Viroqua for the open house - without telling even me that they were coming! That was so cool.

This is all just too much. I cannot take it in. But I know that I will... but not yet. Not yet.

Tears

Yesterday afternoon I found myself starting to cry for the first time (not counting last Sunday evening). Every day this week, when Mom started on the morphine, the nurse had come to the house, and increased the dose. On the weekend, however, the hospice nurse checks in by phone to see how you are doing and comes to the house only if necessary. I had talked to Char (the weekend gal) a few times, and finally asked her to come because it was evident to us that the dose needed to be re-evaluated again. So she said she'd come around 3. That then later changed to 5.

Well, 6 o'clock rolled around, and then 7 o'clock, and no Char. I finally called and got in touch with the evening weekend nurse on call, Barb. (Gee - we had a Jane, a Char and a Barb!) Not being able to contact Char, Barb agreed to come right away.

She examined Mom, and Mom opened her eyes, but wasn't really aware or responsive. Barb and Ron readjusted Mom's position in the bed, and then Barb came out to talk to us. It was then (and I think that this was around 8pm) that she said she wanted to use an additional drug called atavan to help Mom relax. This drug was in the "emergency kit" that I'd picked up earlier in the week. She needed to call the doctor to get his permission. While on the phone with him, she said, "I'm at Priscilla Jensen's and she is actively if not imminently dying." And yet, she told us after the phone call that she did not predict that she would die Saturday night. She thought it might happen on Sunday or Monday, and told us further signs to be watching for.

Then, as it was time for the next dose of morphine, she showed us how to crush the atavan and mix it with the morphine. Then we went into the bedroom to give it to her. Ron and Barb were in the room first, and I was behind them. Barb saw Mom, and said, "I think what we were just talking about has already happened," and Ron said to me as I came into the room (I had not heard Barb), "She's gone." Wow. I was like, "Are you SURE?!" Barb listened for a heartbeat, and she said, "I'm sure. I'm so sorry." Wow. It was over. Mom was finally released and set free from this earthly body. Wow. Hallelujah! She got the "I want to sleep and not wake up" death that she wanted!

She died at 8:35pm Saturday, September 3.


Mark and Abby were here with us, and I am so very, very thankful for that. The nurse was here. What a blessing she was. It's been approximately 26 hours now. I've spent hours on the phone. I was able to get about 5 1/2 hours of sleep last night. I was able to go to church this morning and share the news with my dear friends at Highland. We've spent the day with Mark and Abby making preparations for the coming week and just enjoying each other's love and support.

Now I have tomorrow to wrap some things up here and do the final prep for the first day of classes on Tuesday. After work we will head to the Twin Cities to join the rest of the family. Services are tentatively going to be on Thursday at Oliver.

THANK YOU to everyone for all your love and prayers. We'll see many of you this week. I have a LOT of stories to tell. Hopefully I will be able to do so over the coming days and weeks.

So, stay tuned....!

Mom and Dad

Here's a picture of Mom and Dad in 1942, and again in 1996 at Brian and Rykna's wedding....

Isn't she a lovely bride?

Day 15

It's just over two weeks since mom got here. The nurse was here this morning and we're doing everything we can to help her stay as pain free as possible. She is sleeping almost all of the time, but is still able to talk to us when she is awake. I wonder how much longer that will last, though.

Just now she was feeling nauseous again, and so the nurse is checking with the doctor to get a cream that we can use because it's virtually impossible for her to take any more pills.

I have to admit to being a bundle of conflicting emotions. On the one hand, I am thankful that mom is going to "slip away" relatively peacefully as she wishes. And on the other, I've got an undercurrent of pain and could easily burst into tears of grief. In fact, while waiting to see my shoulder surgeon this morning, I found myself crying in his office. I've been very cool and collected for the most part (except for Sunday night when I was overwhelmed with exhaustion and feeling so helpless to help alleviate her suffering), and in a way, that's good because I can still think clearly and take care of details like paying the bills etc. But it won't be like this all the time! I wouldn't want it to be. The emotions will come out at the appropriate time, I think.

I don't think that it will be long now. I'm not a doctor or nurse, and I've never gone thru this before, but there has been a steady decline every day for a week now, and so I pray it will be soon.

Thanks for all your prayers....

Some Pictures

Here's a picture of mom, Grandmas Lohman and Libby, and Barbara as an infant. I believe the occasion was Russ and Muriel's wedding. Mom is wearing HER wedding dress in the picture.

Also, thought you might enjoy seeing the picture that I referred to a few days ago...