“I Want to Be Like Mom”

These are the words that I shared last week, Thursday, September 8, 2005, at Mom's funeral (which was exactly 9½ years after Dad’s funeral)...

“If I had a nickel” for every time someone told me that I looked like my mother, I’d be rich! One of the first times that I went to the long-term care unit at Presbyterian Homes, an aide that I had never met saw me and smiled – “You must be Priscilla’s daughter!” And I certainly heard it several times this week. I used to hate it when people said that – but now I take it as a great compliment. I’ve come to appreciate the fact that I do resemble her physically – but I’ve also come to realize that I want to be like Mom, not to just look like Mom.

The past five months of Mom’s life were, to put it mildly, awful. She endured tremendous physical and emotional pain. She suffered a tidal wave of losses and she understandably staggered under their weight. She’s always been a very resilient person, and she has overcome major traumas before, but this time I think it was all just too much to bear.

In the book of James it says, “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”

Mom told me several times this summer, “I just hate it when people tell me – ‘Your patience is sure being tried.’” Finally I asked, “Why?” “Because I don’t WANT to have my patience tried!!!” Well, I can’t argue with her there! I know that she did not want to go thru any of this. But I have to say that she still trusted God in the midst of it all. And more than anything else, she wanted God to be honored and glorified through her life.

But it wasn’t easy for her. There were many, many times this summer when mom said to me, “Margaret, what am I going to do?? I just don’t know what I’m going to do!!” Early in August she got to the point where she told me, “I can’t even pray!!” “Well,” I said, “then we’ll just pray for you!” She was able after a while to join me in my prayers … first by just squeezing my hand as I prayed for her, then by sometimes saying “Amen” with me. Then later she could agree with me by saying, “Yes, Lord”. Together we were able to offer up a sacrifice of praise in the midst of the suffering. We prayed together and cried (well, at least I cried) and poured out our hearts to God about how hard it was, and we asked for strength and mercy and grace, and a quick release from pain. We told Him that we understood that life was a precious gift, but we also asked Him to release her from this life.

Many people were praying for her healing, but she was asking to go home.

I told her in June that I wanted her to know that she had given me a very rich spiritual heritage and had been a great example to me, especially of how to respond to suffering with grace, and how very much that meant to me. I know that she appreciated hearing that.

After she came to live with us just three weeks ago, she often wondered aloud what good her life was serving, as she was unable to do anything. I think that she measured her worth by what she was able to accomplish, and now that she could no longer do anything, she felt worthless, and that was extremely hard for her. In fact, I talked with her even before she came about how her loss of independence must have been just as hard to bear as the physical pain, and she said, “Of course it has been!”

Mom’s always been independent – and in control of things! And I truly believe that God had some lessons to teach her thru her loss of independence. For one thing, she had to trust her children to handle her affairs. And she had to be willing to become the one who was being served. Mom was a servant. She put her faith and her love into action. In fact, her “love language” was Acts of Service. That’s how she showed love – by doing something (usually something practical in nature) for the other person.

I think that it was also how she perceived that she was loved. After Dad died, Mom kept a list inside the kitchen cupboard of odd jobs she wanted done around the house. When one of her children came over and did a job for her, she felt loved!

I never really had the close “intimate” relationship that I would have wanted with mom. Maybe it was partly because we didn’t understand each other’s love languages. (Gary Chapman refers to five love languages – Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts, and Quality Time. My love languages are Words of Affirmation and Quality Time, and neither of those were especially strong suits of my mother, at least in her relationship with me.)

But this summer I had the unique opportunity to become my mother’s servant! It has been an honor, a joy and a blessing. I have felt privileged to be able to serve her and help meet her needs. I believe that God used this for several purposes. It allowed me to know that I was showing her love in a way that she could recognize, and I hope that He helped her to become able to receive our unconditional love. It also drew us together into a more intimate relationship.

She had a hard time believing that she was lovable.

That’s incredible to me, especially when I’ve seen how many, many dear friends she has, and I’ve seen the outpouring of love sent her way all summer in the form of cards and letters. She always has been a very social person, and able to rise above her suffering in the past, but just the fact that she stopped taking phone calls and did not want visitors this summer tells us how very much she was suffering. I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you on her behalf for the cards and visits that she was unable to receive.

She had a hard time believing that she was lovable, although I do know that she knew without a doubt that God loved her. And I am so thankful that God enabled me to welcome her into our home and our hearts and shower her with compassion and love during her last days on earth.

About a week or so before she died, she said yet again that she didn’t know what possible purpose her life could serve because all she could do was sleep, take pills, walk a little, and go to the bathroom. I reminded her of Psalm 138:8, which says, “The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me.” I told her that evidently God was not done with her yet, or He would have already called her home. “I believe, Mom, that God is using you in my life, and in Ron’s life and I know that it STINKS to have to be used in this way, but you DO still have a purpose and I know that because you are still here!”

Eleven days before Mom died, I think that she was ready to make the decision to stop the tube feeding. I asked her if she’d prayed about it, and she said, “Well, of course!!” I asked her if she had peace about it and she said she did. But she knew that I was not comfortable with it. She may have had peace, but I had no peace about it! I told her that I was having a very hard time “wrapping my mind around that decision.” She had said she was going to discuss it with the doctor the next day. But for whatever reason, she did not bring it up with the doctor.

I spent the next week praying about it and getting counsel about it – and a wise person told me, “You know, Margaret, it is not your decision to wrestle with! It is her decision, and it is between her and her God.”

Mom finally acted on that decision. The hospice nurse talked to her about it, and there was NO hesitation. Just three and a half days before she died, she chose to discontinue the tube feedings. By this time I was ready. I was able to accept her decision with peace in my own heart. I talked to most of the immediate family and was able to tell her that we were behind her, for what that was worth. She said that it meant everything to her to know that, and that it gave HER peace.

She didn’t live very long after that – not even four days. The tube feeding wasn’t really helping her – it was only prolonging her misery. She knew what she wanted to do, but she waited until I could accept it before acting on the decision. I feel as though she gave me a tremendous gift – an extra week with her, but, oh, what a tremendous cost she paid.

And now God’s called her home. She was able to die the way she had prayed for – over the last week especially she just slept more and more, we were able to relieve a good portion of the pain, and finally she just stopped breathing. She slept and didn’t wake up.

God’s purpose for her life has been fulfilled and we all have an example to follow and a godly character to emulate.

Mom and I were very similar physically. We shared the same facial structure, the same jaw and bite, a similar intellect and sense of humor – even the same way of gesturing when we talked. Our personalities were very similar as well.

But there was another similarity that uniquely prepared me to relate to her this summer – the shared experience of shoulder pain. I’m still recovering from my second shoulder surgery two months ago and it’s possible that I face yet another surgery in the future. I understand what it’s like to go thru the pain – shall I say torture? – of the physical therapy required in order to heal after shoulder surgery. Because of this, I was able to truly understand and empathize with her in that regard.

In addition, some of you may already have heard that we got word very early Tuesday morning that Ron’s mother passed away. We had spoken with her on Sunday when we called to give Ron’s family the news about Mom. They were hoping to be here today. I am in shock, let me tell you. I am reeling. I feel like Job. But that’s just a hint of what this summer must have been like for Mom. She staggered under the weight of unexpected losses – losses which left huge gaping wounds in her heart. I feel like I now have a better understanding of that kind of pain as well.

Yet she continued to trust God. She continued to entrust herself to Him. Even when she reached the point where she could not even pray, she still knew that He held her in His hands. And I know that He holds me in His hands, too.

Yes, I want to be like Mom.

Many people have praised and thanked me for being willing to have Mom come into our home. Over and over I heard things like, “You are a wonderful person for doing this!” And to be honest, I had a really hard time hearing those words because I am not the hero in all of this! Ron and I just heard and responded to God’s call. It was an easy decision! It has not been an easy thing to do, but it was an easy decision to make and we never doubted it or regretted it.

So when I found myself feeling angry when people praised me, I went to the Lord and asked Him to speak to my heart and I asked Him how He saw me in this situation.

His words to my heart were, “You are My Beloved Child! You are precious to Me, and so is your mother. I have chosen to bless her thru you, and thru it I will also bless you.

“This time is not easy, but I want you to trust Me. You have NO idea how I am going to work – so sit back and be amazed! I love your Mom – she is so precious to Me – and I will keep her alive until the time that is right.

“Do not stop asking for My help, and cling to Me.”

Mom’s final and most profound act of love may have been these past five months and her response to them. Thru it God allowed us to become closer; thru it He influenced relationships among her children, and she left a final legacy of grace – great grace under “various trials.”

She showed us how to live – yielded to God and open to His purpose for her life.

That’s how I want to be! Yes, I want to be JUST LIKE Mom!!