My Anguish

I watched you suffer…
And it hurt so much to know I couldn’t relieve your pain.
I entrusted you to God…
And then I turned my back on Him as I watched you slip away.
It hurt, and I ran from the pain.
It overwhelmed me.
And so I protected myself (or tried to) the same way I’ve done all my life.
I learned the lessons of self-protection as a child… no one was there to comfort me.
I told myself it didn’t matter… I ran away from the pain.
The illusionary world of self-reliance welcomed me then as it does now.
It still beckons me and holds out the false promise of comfort
and of protection from my pain.
And I run there, forgetting that it is only an illusion –
and that the pain will go with me – and grow.
It does, you know – the pain grows and grows
until I can no longer bear it and I finally call out to God.
And He hears me…
And He understands…
But I still want to RUN!
How, when I have tasted and seen that God is good,
can I still want to run away from Him?
Oh God, I cannot bear it.
My heart hurts – my soul is in anguish.
I need Your comfort. But it’s so hard to allow myself to receive it.
All I can do at this moment is call out to You and ask You to intervene on my behalf.
Father, my heart is so cold.
Help me, Lord.